1. You have run out of bedrooms.
2. You want to begin wearing heels again, during the day, on a week day even. Because they are cool and grown up. Sophisticated ladies wear them -you know the sort, the kind that you view from afar, she is probably carrying a nice handbag in one hand with a starbucks in the other.
3. Whilst shopping in toys ‘r’ us, you quite happily walk past the baby section and notice that you feel a little sorry for the pregnant/and or tired browsers that you might typically see pondering the pro’s and cons of BPA free stuff. You no longer give a shit. This is not your problem any more.
4. You invest in really expensive 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets for your bed because you know that they definitely won’t ever be subjected to any of the following nasties:
a) your waters breaking.
b) Your own engorged, leaky boobs (which push even the most premium of breast pads passed its own nightly capacity)…(even those really good Johnson & Johnson ones)
c) Associated co-sleeping baby fluids (sick and nappy leakage)
You enjoy a fresh and dry sleeping experience. That’s ok. You’ve earned it.
5. You get rid of/sell/pack up all of your used baby equipment and paraphernalia. Whilst you may experience some sadness associated with some of the sweetest nostalgia ever known to man, essentially you feel empowered and liberated. No more tomee tippee for mee!
6. You feel that you’ve had enough sleepless nights to last you a life time, and some other lifetimes too –lots of lifetimes. You definitely don’t want to be woken from your slumber MULTIPLE TIMES, EVERY NIGHT, FOR QUITE POSSIBLY ANYTHING UP TO 3 YEARS+ PER CHILD EVER AGAIN!
Not even for the cutest of grandchildren which may eventually arrive.
(Vow now only to help with said grandchildren during the daylight hours…. and obviously only when you’re around and available… which will probably be never since by the time they arrive you will be wintering in the Canaries and day tripping your way around Britain during the summer months, all the while enjoying leisurely and quiet lunches and theatre trips with your spouse. You will be very busy. Babysitting for your children’s children will mainly be out of the question)
7. You’ve got your pelvic floor back. It’s strong. It does its job and you love it dearly. You want to guard it with your life.
8. Same goes for your lady parts. They’re nice, they’ve survived and they’ve made it though intact (Phew) so just leave off, and quit while you’re ahead. No more heads need ever pass through again.
9. You feel that you would rather gnaw your own hand off than be told you can’t drink wine or eat copious amounts of mouldy blue sheep’s wee cheese for another 9 months. You like those things. You enjoy mould. You deserve it as and when you feel. You want to go and have those things now don’t you? Just because you can – Its okay my friend – go on, wash it down with some baileys.
….And then go and shuck some freshly caught oysters.
Or un-fresh ones..it doesn’t matter. So long as you’re not hosting a human you can do whatever you like nowadays.
(Although if you are with child, don’t worry – Your time will come again and you will have earned this level of flippancy)
10. You mentally celebrate a little bit every time that you get your period. Periods are awesome – You love them a lot.
11. The appointment you’ve made with your doctor to discuss long-term/permanent birth control is just as exciting to you as buying a new bag; You’ve probably marked the appointment in your diary with your special ‘fun’ writing (the kind that also might include illustrations and is usually reserved solely for marking birthdays, parties and back to school dates)
12. You prefer your evenings to be enjoyed ‘handsfree’; you like having the use of your arms and hands, they are useful to you.
13. You realise that you’ve had your fill of Mother and baby groups. You have enough friends already and you don’t want to bond with anyone else over birth stories.
15. Your evenings and weekends are already full to the brim with homework and kids parties. You’re fresh out of hours.
16. You realise that no cool car exists on earth that will fit a single other car seat in. You are full to capacity in your current car and you definitely don’t want to be that mum who drives a minibus. You are already driving a vehicle designed for losers and things needn’t get any worse on the automobile front.
17. Whilst out and about with your whole brood, people ask how long you’ve been a childminder for.
18. Since the birth of your last baby, you have curated a wardrobe containing far too many ‘dry clean only’ garments to even consider holding a baby for anything longer than a moment.
19. You already feel like you spend 99% of your time re-stocking your food cupboards. (And even then the boys moan that there isn’t enough to eat…)
20. You just feel ‘complete’. You have your people already; your destiny. They are here with you and you are all together for life’s wonderful journey
Ring any bells guys?!
If not, don’t worry – you are not alone – Since writing this post, My incredibly broody friend has compiled her own counter list ’20 SIGNS YOU’RE SO NOT DONE HAVING BABIES’
My own small print…
This is all written in (kind of) jest of course.
As a mother of 4 I adore my big family and whilst it is sometimes extremely hard work, my husband and I love every minute of it – We are unbelievably blessed.
How lucky I am x