You’re a joke!

As I’ve been feeling a bit blue recently I bought myself a couple of books. Don’t worry, they were in a sale, I’m not spending madly while in a fug. One of these was a joke book, as mentioned in my post about meditation, and this book contains  jokes on every subject.

Go on. Test me.

Wanna joke about fish?

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other “How do you drive this thing”

Wanna a joke about vegetarians?

Why is eating vegetables crueller than eating animals? At least animals have a chance to run away!

Wanna joke about Christmas?

What’s the most popular Christmas wine? “I DON’T LIKE BRUSSEL SPROUTS”

See. A joke for everything and every one a winner.


In this book there’s a HUGE section about lawyers. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE. It’s huge folks. Massive. Biggest you’ve ever seen.

Sorry, just slipped into Donald Trump then. So to speak. Moving on.

Now, while some of these joke are funny I daren’t risk telling any in our house because my partner is a lawyer. No she doesn’t charge every time I ask her to pass the remote, yes she’s always appealing, and of course she keeps a tight hold on her briefs, but if I told a lawyer joke every time she came home, she’d tire of it very quickly and I’d find myself sleeping in the playhouse.

You see, not all lawyers are money-grabbing vultures, despite what a friend recently said to me. My partner works in public law, and legal aid lawyers and public defenders aren’t in it for the shiny yachts and designer speedboats; they represent those who don’t have the means or capacity to represent themselves, affording them basic human rights and ensuring they don’t fall through the cracks in society. I have a lot of respect for lawyers and those I’ve met through my partner are all hard-working and dedicated with a strong moral compass. Okay, they all drink like pissed fishes but nonetheless, they’re good peoples.

So. What to do with all these jokes? With all the lawyers I know being good human beings, this seems like a massive repository of funnies that are gonna go to waste.

Well, what I’ve done is change the word ‘lawyer’, to ‘Daily Mail journalist’, that way the jokes aren’t redundant in this house, and serve a purpose. Look, here was the lawyer joke:

What’s the difference between a  lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

Meh. Its okay.

But… changing the object of the joke to a ‘Daily Mail journalist’ makes the joke better! Funnier! Watch.

What’s the difference between a Daily Mail journalist and a bucket of shit? The bucket!

Oh yes! BOOM!

Here’s some more!

What’s the difference between terrorists and Daily Mail journalists? TERRORISTS HAVE SYMPATHISERS!

How do you get a Daily Mail journalist out of a tree? CUT THE ROPE!

How do you stop a Daily Mail journalist from drowning? Shoot them before they hit the water… OR TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THEIR HEAD!

BOOM! Two in one.

Whats the difference between a Daily Mail journalist and a catfish? One’s a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the OTHER’S A CATFISH!

You see, I’m a fan of recycling and I hate to see a good selection of jokes go to waste. Plus, you know, it’s the Daily Mail, as vile an organ of the press as any there was. One with questionable journalistic integrity which attempts to fuel public hatred against some sections of society and, as put it, herald ‘relentlessly hostile and often inaccurate headlines.’

So I think it’s about time we got our own back. In some small way.

Thanks for reading, and if you’ve got any great Daily Mail journalist jokes or one-liners, drop them into our comments section.