I bought myself a present


“I bought myself a present.”

By the look on my partner’s face I could tell she knew what I ‘d done.

It’s an old discussion isn’t it? How do you describe who you’re in a relationship with? We’re not married, so wife doesn’t fit. Some use ‘other half’ but it kinda means you’re not a whole person if you’re by yourself. Actually, that’s kinda true: I’m rubbish by myself.

I could use other terms, I guess. Lover, but that seems too French. “Hello Father O’Flaherty, I want you to meet my lover…” Girlfriend seems inappropriate too. We’re in our fifth decade for heaven’s sake.

What else is there? Woman? “Hello your honour, this is my woman.” Reminds me of the term Boomshanka from The Young Ones. “May the seed of your loins grow fruitful in the belly of your womaaaaaaan.”Actually I once used that term when an angry swan was attacking us at a picnic. I flapped two flip-flops together attempting to get the deranged avian to move on shouting “GET AWAY FROM MY WOMAN” while brandishing a baguette. ‘My woman’ doesn’t feel right though, she’s very much her own person.

Old lady? No She’d kill me.

Better half, significant other, her indoors? All of these seem reductive somehow so partner fits best for me. After all, some of the greatest twosomes in history have been partners. Bonnie and Clyde. Lois Lane and Superman. Turner and Hooch.

What do you call your partner? Shnookums? My Pineapple of Love? Geoff?

Anyhow, I digress. Back to the story. I bought myself a present.

I did the same last year. I announced one evening “I bought myself a present.”

“What? The Lego Millennium Falcon?” she said with a faux-weary tone. She was spot on. I defended myself by saying it was a bargain, and it was really for the kids, but it wasn’t of course. One year on, in a car park, she gave me that same look as if to say, I know what you’ve bought yourself, accompanied with an eye roll you could hear from space.

“You’ve bought yourself one of those Amazon Echo things haven’t you?”

I explained it was a bargain, said it would be helpful should I not be able to use my hands or arms in the future, and said that Alexa wouldn’t come between us. A pointless statement. I doubt anything will.

When we first met we talked about stuff, got to know each other, and somehow fell on the topic of Queen, the band, perhaps they were on the radio. We both expressed our deepest hate for Queen, and we’ve been on that same wavelength since. We both hate the things others seem to love. Carry On films, James Bond movies, The Royle Family, Only Fools and Horses, and EVERYONE loves Only Fools And Horses.

Except us. So it was meant to be.

This post isn’t about me buying myself a geeky gift, this post is for her really. It’s a public exclamation of how bloody wonderful she is, a thank you for putting up with me at my worse, and… well. When you love somebody beyond words, sometimes you want to try to find those words so you can tell the whole damn world.

I told her the about Alexa the day before I got the results of my MRI, the day before my appointment with my neurosurgeon. I think, instead of expensive scans and procedures, they should’ve just rung my partner. It could’ve saved the NHS a lot of money.

After all, who needs an MRI scan when the one you love knows you inside and out.

Thanks for reading.

One comment on I bought myself a present

  • Ziggy_Mondus

    WHAT!!??? You hate 007 films? Even the best ever by Daniel Craig? You horrible, horrible person!
    Well, that might be a bit over the top, I suppose just one “horrible” would have done 😉

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