So this is Christmas…

How are we all? Fed up of the C word already, or planned and prepared with everything wrapped and ready to go, or are you just gonna leave Christmas until the weekend, and panic buy for your nearest and dearest from the local garage?

I realised I’d become old when I started buying this year’s Christmas presents, last year. A Gap sale was gwan and ting and I saw some hoodies which won’t fit my children now, but will next year. My gran taught me well. If I carry on like this I’ll be buying them adult clothes in April just because I’ve spotted a bargain. So what they won’t fit them for another 12 years?

But yes. I’m sorted for Christmas. Mostly. The food is all under control, just got to hope my physical condition is and I can cook it all. I’ll be fine I’m sure. The drugs do work, contrary to what The Verve sang, and I’ve also been seeing a chiropractor recently. Except I keep calling him my chiropodist. I guess, as long as he knows which bit of me to tweak it doesn’t matter what I call him.

Kids are easy to buy for, and by ‘kids’ I mean anyone under 10. Anything Minion or Shopkins related, or Star Wars, or Lego is a hit. A Lego set of a Minion fighting a Shopkins on the Death Star is an absolute banger. If only there were any left. By the way, whoever invented Shopkins ought to be shot. I had a conversation with someone in Toys R Us recently about how their child lost three Shopkins within 15 minutes of having them and now won’t eat. True story. They’re TINY and tiny, uncoordinated hands lose things, so then we have to buy more! The people behind Shopkins are evil geniuses, and complete bastards.

Of course, this year’s must have toy, is a Hatchimal. I gave up trying to buy a Hatchimals as soon as I read that some people were selling them for more than their face value. Then fortune favoured us and we managed to drop on a shop that was selling them, and grabbed the last one. I was tempted to go up to all the children in the store and wave it in their face shouting “Look what YOU won’t be getting for Christmas! Too bad, so sad, I’m sorry, don’t cry.”

However children over 10 are difficult to buy for. My stepdaughter is 11 and about to go up to her next school. Do we still buy her stuff like soft toys and dolls, or is that past her now? At times you can see the young woman she’ll become. But when her and her sister argue over the same piece of Lego you’re reminded how young she is still. Fashion items are good. Although going into a Claire’s Accessories shop fills me with The Fear. They’re so SMALL and rammed to the gunwales with EVERYTHING, I swear if the sun shines in the right direction on something shiny I have an epileptic fit.

Clothes are good. CD’s are good. And of course, everyone loves a box canvas print of Paul Ross.

Adults are impossible to buy for. Well, some are easy, but that’s a different story. People you know vaguely are always grateful of a bottle of wine, chocolates or smellies. Buying a gift for your partners parents is tough though. You want to get them something nice and thoughtful, otherwise you look like a twat, but not something too big and flash in case they think you’re trying to buy their favour. Which of course you are. Some well thought out food is good. Decent cheeses or similar. Just don’t buy it in June otherwise you’re in for a smelly wrapping experience.

Coming up with The Perfect Gift for your Loved One however involves a years worth of hard, hard work. You’ve got to listen and remember stuff over a long time. They’ve probably told you what they want during the course of the year, it’s now up to you to remember, and go and get it. It’s like that game show 3-2-1. The clues are all there, you just have to work out the answer. Hmmm. Maybe she should get the box canvas of Paul Ross?

To be honest I’d rather do what my gran did and stick a twenty in a card and say “Buy yourself a drink”. That was always a winner. Perhaps explains the history of alcoholism in our family though.

Me? What would I like for Christmas? Well, peace on Earth and goodwill to men aside, I’ll take the decent single malt, the new album by Bevilled Spilltruneon, and a boxed set of The Wire on Blu-Ray. Thanks.

This may be the last post from me before Christmas, but it won’t be the last you’ll hear of me if you follow me on the Twitter. May I take this opportunity to thank you all for taking a look at my brain spaff over the last year, to thank Anna for continuing to put up with my gibberish on her site, and to wish you all a wonderful holiday period. Peace out.

And thanks for reading.