Please try to relax…

Not been feeling great of late, so I thought I’d try a few things to relax and lift my mood. For example, I’ve exercised more. This is good as I feel fitter. If I don’t feel good mentally, then a stepping stone on the path to doing so might be feeling better physically. Fit people always look happy don’t they? Look at Mo Farah. He’s LOVING it.

I also bought myself a joke book. It was on sale so it was a bargain. Again, good.

I’ve also had my hair cut, changed my blend of coffee, bought new socks and pants (Well, you never know. It could just be a matter of underwear) booked a spray tan and downloaded a meditation app.

Pick yourself up off the floor please.

Yes. Meditation.

If you know anything from reading my shizzle over the past few years, you’ll know I’m the least likely person on this planet to try meditation. I haven’t relaxed in 45 years. That’s not to say I’m a nervous or anxious person. I’m just always… you know, ready to go. If WW3 kicked off now, I’d be ready for it. If it all went off like a frog in a sock, I’d be ready for it. If shit was going down, down to Chinatown, I’d be on it like car bonnet. I’m ready. I was born ready. I’m permanently like a cobra ready to pounce. A coiled spring. An angry badger.

Yet I thought I’d give meditation a try. Maybe this relaxing lark could be good for me.

I downloaded the app and, after doing the washing up and reorganising the salad drawer, a job which always makes me more tense than it should, gave it a go. Headphones on, I lay on the sofa.

A soothing voice told me to find somewhere to sit or lie down to begin this first session. Way ahead of you son, I’m all over that. I’m reclining.

I mentally high-fived myself. This relaxing stuff is easy.

The first thing Geoff told me to do was to concentrate on my breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth. In and out. In, slowly, feel your chest rise… and out and…

Is this how people breathe? This is HARD. Have I been doing it wrong all this time? No wonder I feel so tense. In through my nose… why do I make that whistling noise when I breathe in? And out through my mouth. Nope. That feels weird. I’ll stick to my usual way of… how do I breathe again? OH SHIT, I’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE! Relax Spencer, listen to Geoff and he’ll help you… relax.

Geoff continued. Concentrate on feeling your body on the floor or sitting in your chair. Which? Which bit should I feel first? Seems a bit saucy, this relaxing stuff, feeling myself up on the sofa. Should I start with my arse or… oh. No. I should concentrate on the feeling of sitting of laying on the sofa.

And which should I do? Maybe I should’ve sat in a chair. Is it too late to change? I’m getting antsy now. Maybe I should’ve taken the chair. Or the floor. Or bed.

In through the nose, and out through the mouth. It feels like I’m being waterboarded.

Now count your breaths. Something else to do? Really Geoff? I’m not great at multitasking, now you’re asking me to breathe unnaturally, count, concentrate on how I’m sitting or lying…

Maybe I should sit up? Nope. I’ll stay here, and now Geoff’s telling me to do something else? He’s all orders is our Geoff.

Let your mind wander. I’m doing all this, now you want me to think of something else? I’ll think of a beach. Sand between my toes. Ouch. Hate that. Pina colada? No thanks Miguel, I’ll have a mojito. Oh no, now Miguel wants a tip and I’ve only got Speedos on, and I ain’t keeping change up there. Again.  I’m getting stressed. Now Miguel is looking at me funny. Shit, if I order a tostado he’ll probably spit in it.

Who is Miguel? I’ve just created a waiter called Miguel! See Geoff, this is what happens when I let my mind wander.

Now concentrate on the sounds around you. I’ll stop this breathing stuff, all I can hear is my whistling nose which is a new one on me. I can hear a dog barking. Woof. I wonder if it’s a brown dog. Why did I think that? I heard the gentle slap of the cat flap as the cat ran in. Probably scared by the brown dog. And…

BOLLOCKS. The cat just jumped on me and landed right on my balls.

I pushed the cat off me. I closed my eyes and Geoff told me to open them.

I opened my eyes and… well. Yes. I felt somewhat relaxed. It felt unnatural.

I floated into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea. Herbal of course. This was going well. Apart from the cat landing on my gonads.

I made myself some squash and glided blissfully over to my laptop, where I promptly spilt the squash, over the table, over the laptop, on the floor, everywhere.

BUGGERY SHITFUCKING BANJOS.

I’d relaxed for exactly two minutes. Normal service resumed.

Oh well, its day 2 tomorrow. Plus, I have a joke book.

Compared to many I’m winning at life.

Thanks for reading.