I’m pretty sure kids drink when we’re not looking.

Let’s examine the evidence for this theory.

Moody when they wake up? Yep. Just like an alcoholic.
Talking rubbish? Yep. Boozed off their tits.
Falling over invisible things? Yep. Definitely swallied.
Seemingly unable to do simple tasks like eating without covering themselves, and others, in food. And then giggling about it? YEP. As pished as a pished fish.

Why do you think they’re always asking you for money?

This morning we had fingers trapped in a window. Why? No-one could answer why.

I can. Because they’re drunk.

What did you do at school today? Don’t try asking this question otherwise you’ll get ‘Dunno.’

How can you spend 7 hours somewhere and not remember a thing about it? Unless it’s a pub, and you’ve been drinking heavily. Ergo, they must drink when we’re not looking. Always ask something like ‘Would you prefer to play with 4 mice the size of elephants or 40 elephants the size of mice?’ Then the little drunkards will answer you.

Last night at dinner we were told a story about a boy, or a girl, who didn’t go the right way round when doing a circuit of the playing field. The 7-year-old story-teller couldn’t tell us if it was a boy or girl because ‘they had hair down to here, or here. Or here.’ This boy or girl is a member of their class and they see them ever day.


Currently one of them is dancing around the living room singing Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. They’ve just come down from upstairs where they were brushing their teeth.

With a bottle of vodka, clearly.

I grew up with an alcoholic and I’ve seen this before. Sudden mood swings, from happy to sad, from perky to utterly tired, and the only explanation can be that they drink when we’re not around.

An argument for no clear reason over nothing?





Clearly the rantings of someone Ankled, Badgered, Banjaxed, Battered, Befuggered, Bernard Langered, Bladdered, Blasted, Blathered, Bleezin, Blitzed, Blootered, Blottoed, Bluttered, Boogaloo, Brahms & Liszt, Buckled, Burlin, Cabbaged, Chevy Chased, Clobbered, Decimated, Dot Cottoned, Druck-steaming, Drunk as a Lord, Drunk as a skunk, Etched, Fecked, Fleemered, Four to the floor, Gatted, Goosed, Got my beer goggles on, Guttered, Had a couple of shickers, Hammer-blowed, Hammered, Hanging, Having the whirlygigs, Howling, Inebriated, Intoxicated, Jahalered, Jaiked up, Jan’d, Jaxied, Jeremied, Jolly, Kaned.

Or Lagged up, Lamped, Langered, Laroped, or alt. larrupt, Lashed, Leathered, Legless, Liquored up, Locked, Locked out of your mind, Loo la, Mad wey it, Mandoo-ed, Mangled, Manky, Mashed, Meff’d, Merl Haggard, Merry, Minced, Ming-ho, Minging, Moired, Monged, Monkey-full, Mottled, Mullered, Newcastled, Nicely irrigated with horizontal lubricant, Off me pickle, Off me trolley, On a campaign, Out of it, Out yer tree, Paggered, Palintoshed, Paraletic, Peelywally, Peevied, Pickled, Pie-eyed, Pished, Plastered, Poleaxed, Pollatic, Rat-legged, Ratted, Ravaged, Razzled, Reek-ho, Rendered, Rosy glow, Rubbered, Ruined, Saying hello to Mr Armitage, Scattered, Schindlers, Screwed, Scuttered, Shedded, Slaughtered, Sloshed, Smashed, Snatered, Snobbled, Sozzled, Spangled, Spannered, Spiffed, Spongelled, Squiffy, Steamin, Steampigged, Stocious, Stonkin, Tanked, Tashered, Tipsy, Trashed, Trollied, Troubled, Trousered, Twisted, Warped, Wasted, Wellied, With the fairies, Wrecked or Zombied.

So, next time you see your little cherubs arguing fiercely over nothing or, unable to recall something they did an hour ago, unable to put their shoes on the correct feet, or unable to find their coat, which they’re wearing… you know why.

It’s enough to drive you to drink.

Thanks for reading.

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