Posts Written By@adadcalledspen

Foot Massage

Last week I found the courage to deal with something that’s been bugging me all my life. My feet. My horrible, Hobbitty, cracked and ugly feet. Over the years I’ve spent a fortune on creams, balms, balsams and unguents, all promising baby soft feet, and guaranteeing to remove the dreadfully painful and utterly disgusting hard skin on my heels. I’ve pumiced, scraped, grated and sliced at it and used the creams, all to no end. I somehow ended up with these. People of a nervous disposition please look away now. I don’t take pictures of my feet, just in case…

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It’s time to crank the Barry White up to 11 and talk about LOVE. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, we at ZmG HQ have asked some of our friends what Valentine’s Day means to them. It ain’t all crotchless panties, a romantic meal à deux at Taco Bell and anal beads you know? Kate Tunstall tells us; Historically, Valentine’s has always meant a weekend away. I’m not a fan of the clichéd romantic getaway, just because it’s mawkish and that’s not really me. But, it so happens February 14th falls bang between mine and my hubby’s birthdays. So we’ve…

Image of clown fish in aquarium water

As regular readers might know, I’m on a health kick because I’m terrified of dying at the age of 63, like most of my family. This being the case I’ve decided to take on another form of exercise, a sporting activity unusual to me. I’ve decided to learn to swim. Now, before you all stand up and shout ‘WHAT? YOU CAN’T SWIM?’ let me explain how and why I can’t. There are good reasons. Mum could swim. Like a fish. Sadly that wasn’t the only ichthyic quality she possessed as she could drink like one too, but I digress. Mum…

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I’ve got to face the facts. I’m old. I’m not getting old. I simply somehow got old. And to be honest I don’t like it very much. This is my first blog post of the year for ZmG and, I don’t know about you, but the first post of a new year always feels like a hard one to get out, as the actress said to the Bishop. It’s like the Christmas break robs you of inspiration, makes you hypercritical of your abilities, and you sit and question whether to ever put fingers to keyboard again. Surely a New Year…

Star Wars

The most important decision we make for our children isn’t their name, nor choosing whether to feed them by bottle or breast. It isn’t which school to send them to, nor when to teach them about sex or savings or both. No. The most important decision any parent will make when bringing up a child is the order in which the child should watch the Star Wars movies. By the way, if your child hasn’t seen them yet, it’s all about to go off like a frog in a sock as the new movie, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, comes…

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Monday at 10am and I’m at the GP for an emergency appointment. Now, before y’all panic and worry it wasn’t, in my view, an emergency. Okay, so I hadn’t been able to stand, sit, move, bend, shit, piss or cough without screaming in agony, for three days, but it WASN’T an emergency. An emergency is when you’ve cut your head off, have nailed something onto a body part, or when your gentleman’s area has turned an odd colour. All I’d done was twist my back and all the GP had to do is prescribe some pain killers and send me…

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Let me begin by saying this is not a promotional review in any way. I paid to rent this movie and as such I can say what I like. Innit. So, What We Do In The Shadows. What’s it about? Well it’s about 89 minutes long, and if you thought the New Zealand movie industry was just Peter Jackson and hobbits then maybe it’s time to think again. Actually my sources tell me that Peter Jackson’s next movie is again based on a children’s book, and will also be split into three movies. The Very Hungry Caterpillar will star Andy…

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I went to see Legend with that Tom Hardy fella. He hogged the middle arm rest and pinched most of my Pepsi. Terrible joke, sorry. Anyhow, where was I. Oh yes. Tom Hardy. I recently had a glut of Tom Hardy films. Somehow, due to LoveFilm and Amazon Prime conspiring we’d seen three in a week. There was The Dark Knight Rises, where he sounds like an asthmatic Kenneth Williams; The Drop, where he rescues a dog from a bin, and Locke which is a film about a concrete expert on a phone while driving. FOR 90 MINUTES. As such…

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It’s 2.34am and I’m awake. Completely and utterly bloody awake. It’s not late at night and it’s not early in the morning. It’s the middle of the night. It’s quiet. Like the grave my gran used to say. There are no noises inside or outside the house. I’ve come downstairs for a drink and just the kettle on. It was very quiet. There are now noises inside the house. Noise inside the house. The kettle is loud, like a jet engine. Is it this loud during the day? Must be. Things don’t suddenly get louder at night. Apart from fridges.…

christmas gift

“Lucy said she doesn’t believe in Father Christmas any more” said the 9-year-old. Bugger. Thus it begins. The unravelling of an idea, festive fibbing, that’s been pedalled in order to keep the children in check. Leaving out whisky and a mince pie, and a carrot for Rudolph, floured footsteps in the kitchen and living room up to the Christmas tree to show someone came in and left the gifts, the concept of behaving yourself because otherwise Father Christmas won’t bring you any presents if you’re naughty… all this, this beautiful period of innocence and unquestioned parental authority, is now coming…