News reached us this week that almost 1 in 5 couples are close to splitting up, according to research carried out by the relationship charity Relate. We at ZmG HQ are no strangers to heartbreak and heartache, so we’ve compiled a handy (but highly scientific and utterly accurate) quiz to help you decide if your relationship is on the rocks. Devised in association with renowned relationship experts, this quiz should help you work out whether it’s time to move in or move on, love them or leave them, get hitched or bury them in a ditch.
That last one sounded a little dark. Sorry.
All you’ve got to do is pick which statement in the following sections you MOST agree with. A, B, C or D. Your answers will be revealed at the end.
SECTION 1 – TIME: How many hours a week do you and your partner spend alone in each other’s company?
a) 20 or more hours a week. I love my partner and would rather spend time with them than anyone else. My partner is my best friend.
b) 20 to 15 hours a week. I love my partner and want to spend more time with them but work commitments get in the way, or they’re at the gym, or in another room, or gaming. Actually they spend more time on that DAMN machine than they do talking to me…
c) 15 to 5 hours a week. To be fair this too much. I’ve been scouting out places to dig holes in the woods, and bought shovels.
d) Under 5 hours a week. But then Tiddles goes out a lot at night and sleeps during the day when I’m out at work.
SECTION 2 – DOMESTIC LIFE: Which of the following statements best describes the domestic arrangements in your house?
a) My partner is as caring and considerate around the home as they are a lover. They buy me flowers once a week and never leave the seat up, or down. Or whatever I want. They really are my best friend.
b) I do some stuff, my partner does other stuff.
c) I’d love to stop and chat but I have the cleaning to do, then the shopping. Their only job is putting the bins out but this morning they forgot that, so I was rushing out in the rain trying to get to the bin men with the overfilled brown bin, spilling plastic bottles of pop out all over the street. But the fuckers drove off. Now I have a fine and a skanky bin.
d) Tiddles uses his own litter tray, which is handy but I’m thinking of training him to use the toilet.
SECTION 3- SOCIAL LIFE: Which of the following best describes your social life?
a) My partner is the life and soul of the party. If I wasn’t already with them I’d want to be their best friend, lover, lobster. They are the creamy filling to my chocolate eclair. And they don’t mind me calling them Shnookums in public as they call me their little Cock Warmer. Which is love. Isn’t it?
b) We got invited to a leaving party last month. We had to be gone by 10.30 to get the last train back, which was a relief actually as we were both knackered. I fell asleep on the train.
c) What social gatherings? You mean friends? Well my partner hates most of mine and calls them shrews, and I hate most of theirs because they’re boorish twats. I often take a book to read when we go out, but I’ve also been known to feign death just to get out of another fucking night of boards games and UFC round at Heather and Ian’s immaculate showhome of a house where you have to take your shoes off when you go in. WHO DOES THAT? Don’t you have to do that when entering prisons or mental wards?
d) Tiddles goes out with his friends. I’ve met the fat fluffy one.
SECTION 4 – COMMON FACTORS: What do you and your partner have in common?
a) My partner and I do everything together. We rock climb, go running and make the sweet love. My partner is my best friend, and when we go, I’ve decided we’ll go together.
b) If you mean we occasionally sit on the sofa together watching BGT then yep. This is something we have in common.
c) We sometimes like the same things on Facebook.
d) Tiddles likes Whiskas. I don’t. But I do sometimes smear it on me so Tiddles can lick it off. Any relationship is about give and take.
SECTION 5 – SEX. Which statement best describes your sex life?
a) We’re at it like bunnies. Soft tender bunnies, then furious sweaty bunnies. In every room. Twice a day.
b) Yeah, I remember that.
c) What is this thing of which you speak?
d) Tiddles has been neutered but we have our fun. What goes on in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.
Mostly A’s. You’re a liar. And a bit scary.
Mostly B’s. You’re the sort of person that does quizzes where Mostly A’s and Mostly B’s are the scores. Maybe you still hanker after reading Just 17? But, to be fair. You’re kinda normal. Probably.
Mostly C’s. Your relationship is in trouble. You’re the almost 1 in 5. Congratulations!
Mostly D’s. You’re a fucking nutjob cat lover. Literally.
Thanks for playing. Which are you? A, B, C or D? Or something else entirely? Please let us know what you think in the comments section. Or use it to air any relationship ills. Please. We could do with a laugh.